


A Long and Winding Road

by katling



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Little bit of angst, M/M, but mostly kinda fluffy, hawke is a cheeky bugger, mentions of kinloch, mentions of the mess that was kirkwall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 13:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12706398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katling/pseuds/katling
Summary: Cullen has always known he has a soul mate but until Kirkwall, he didn't know who it was. But Kirkwall was Kirkwall and Hawke was a mage. For Cullen, the time wasn't right and when Hawke walked away, he let him go and thought it was just never meant to be. But then Hawke comes to Skyhold to help the Inquisition and to settle things between them.Written for Luffymara for the Black Emporium 2017 fan exchange. I hope you enjoy it!





	A Long and Winding Road

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Luffymarra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luffymarra/gifts).



It wasn’t that Cullen didn’t believe in soul mates. His parents had been soul mates and they’d been deliriously happy. He believed in soul mates. Believed they happened, believed they were good things, that people could be happy. He just wasn’t sure whether he believed in them for himself.

He’d always been proud of his soul mark, though he’d never been one to show it off and kept it hidden away behind a simple leather wrist cuff that fit snugly under his gauntlet. The Templars frowned on that sort of self-aggrandisement anyway and, well, it wasn’t really Cullen’s sort of thing either. But he’d been proud of it and had eagerly looked forward to finding his soul mate, wondering if they were a fellow Templar or perhaps a mage. The latter made him a little nervous but only because he had seen some worrying things from some of his fellow Templars. But the rules surrounding soul mates meant that a mage soul mate didn’t have to stay in the Circle so he could always get himself assigned to some Chantry somewhere and his soul mate could come with him.

Then Kinloch fell. 

In the aftermath, Cullen was… broken. He was angry and frightened and suspicious. He knew it but he couldn’t stop how he felt. He’d never looked at mages with fear and doubt before but after Uldred’s depredations, after what had been done to him, Cullen couldn’t look at them any other way. And now he lived in dread fear that his soul mate might be a mage. He wasn’t sure he could handle that. Gregoir sent him away to Greenfell for a time but it didn’t do much good and when Knight Commander Meredith came looking for new recruits for the Kirkwall Circle, Cullen jumped at the chance to get away. 

Kirkwall was… terrible. He tried to make the best of it and Maker knows Samson helped at first. He almost wished that Samson was his soul mate at the time but the man didn’t have a mark and scoffed at the whole idea of soul mates. Then Samson was gone, thrown out for his compassion towards a mage and their lover.

So Cullen endured. He stood firm against what he could fight and protect and change and… ignored what he couldn’t. He knew it wasn’t the best solution but it was all he had. He never took off the leather cuff around his wrist, except to wash and even then it was quick and he never looked. He wasn’t sure if the mark was still there, if it had changed or whether what had happened in Kinloch had permanently ruined him. He didn’t want to know.

Hawke was one of the few people that got under his skin. Garrett Hawke was bold and brash and irritating. He was also caring and determined and funny in a stupidly idiotic sort of way. He made Cullen feel like a human being again, even when Hawke was snarling at him about something the Templars had done or some stupid, cruel, unthinking thing Cullen himself had said. Hawke’s words seemed to _matter_ more than anyone else’s. Hawke’s approval seemed to make him feel lighter and lift a weight off his shoulders. His disapproval seemed heavier and more damning than anything Meredith could do.

His first sign that his mark was still there was that his wrist burned whenever Hawke was nearby and Cullen wanted to take off his cuff and show his mark to Hawke, to see whether Hawke wore the same mark. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was still too much of a mess and… he was still afraid. Because Hawke was a mage and Cullen was still afraid of mages. Afraid that they would hurt him like Uldred’s lackeys had at Kinloch. Afraid that he would hurt Hawke with his words, his terrifying nightmares, anything. So he ignored the way his wrist burned and tried to convince himself that it was because his fists were clenched or because it was a training injury. Anything but what it _might_ be.

Then Meredith rose in red-lyrium tinted madness and fell at the magic and blades of Hawke and his friends and of Cullen himself. When Hawke turned and walked away, Cullen let him go. When he heard that Hawke had left Kirkwall, he ignored the way his heart sank and his days seemed to be grey and dank. He had a job to do. Until they replaced the Knight Commander, he had to lead the ragged, shattered remains of the Templars and oversee what few mages remained in the Circle. It wasn’t easy. The Templars were beaten down and the mages skittish but he did the best he could, raising morale among the Templars while still quietly removing the remnants of Meredith’s favoured cronies and ensuring a gentle hand with the mages until they stopped flinching every time a Templar moved.

When Seeker Pentaghast came wanting answers, he told her what he could about the Gallows, about Meredith and about Hawke. When she offered him a position in the Inquisition and promised him a new, decent Knight Commander would be found for Kirkwall, he jumped at it. There was nothing for him in Kirkwall anymore and nothing for him in the Templar Order either. Cassandra nodded like she understood when he stammered that out as his reason for attempting the dangerous business of lyrium withdrawal. She gripped his shoulder and promised to stand by him, to help and if he faltered, to see him cared for as best as was possible.

Slowly he’d walked forward, becoming a man he was proud of once again, and when Hawke walked back into his life in Skyhold, he could no longer ignore what he had set aside before. He just didn’t know what to do.

He was contemplating that in his office when there was a knock on the door. He waited for a moment then realised that whoever was out there couldn’t be one of his scouts, a messenger, the Inquisitor or anyone really at Skyhold. They usually weren’t so circumspect.

“Come in,” he called, feeling a faint sense of amusement at how accustomed he’d become to people just barging into his office.

“Commander!” Hawke sauntered in with a grin on his face and Cullen felt the burn at his wrist and the familiar swooping feeling in his stomach that always happened when Hawke was near. “You know…” Hawke looked at him contemplatively. “Commander suits you a lot better than Knight Captain ever did.”

Cullen straightened up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Thank you,” he said wryly. “It’s… it is better.”

“Varric says you’re being a monumental idiot though,” Hawke said as he hitched one hip up onto Cullen’s desk and perched there.

Cullen frowned. “He… does?”

Hawke waved a hand airily. “Well, he says you’re being noble and courageous and brave but Varric likes to be dramatic.” He leaned forward, resting one hand on the paperwork on Cullen’s desk. “He says you’re not taking lyrium.”

Cullen felt a little chagrined. He should have known Varric of all people would recognise the signs of lyrium withdrawal, given how many Templars Meredith had kicked out onto the streets of Kirkwall. Few had possessed the resources to make their way to another city and throw themselves on the mercy of the Knight-Commander there so they’d stayed and suffered and many had died.

“I…” He sighed and slumped a little. “Yes.”

“Cullen!” Hawke protested. “Are you mad? It could kill you!”

“I… am aware of that,” Cullen replied. “But after… everything, I will not be bound to a Chantry I cannot respect and honour.”

Hawke stilled and stared at him with wide eyes. “I never thought I’d hear something like that coming from you.”

Cullen sighed yet again. “I still believe in the Maker, in the lessons from my youth but I’m… it’s the Chantry I take issue with, not my faith.”

Hawke stared at him long enough to make Cullen shift awkwardly then the mage shook his head. “I guess I can understand that but that’s not actually why I bring it up.”

“Oh?”

Hawke shoved his sleeve back and yanked off the leather cuff he wore on his wrist to reveal a dark blue, rather intricate mark. “I think yours matches mine.”

Cullen stared at Hawke’s soul mark and licked his lips. Very slowly, he pulled off his gauntlets and with slightly trembling hands, he undid his cuff and took it off. He turned his wrist over to reveal a matching mark. Hawke stared at it sombrely then reached out and ran his fingers over it gently. Cullen gasped and shuddered at the sensation.

“I kind of suspected in Kirkwall,” Hawke said with a quietness that was stark in its contrast to his normal brashness. “But you were so… I don’t know… _different_ that I never did anything about it. You didn’t seem to like me very much either and that seemed a bad footing for any kind of relationship, let alone a soul bonded one.”

“I served in Kinloch,” Cullen said, matching Hawke’s quietness. “I’m not sure if Anders ever told you… if he even knew… though the Hero of Fereldan was there.”

He trailed off because Hawke was staring at him with growing dismay. “Yeah,” Hawke said hoarsely. “Yeah, Anders told me about the Fereldan Circle. I asked actually. Because we grew up in Fereldan and I might have ended up there if things were different. He… told me about the stories the Hero told him about the fall.” He brushed his thumb over the mark on Cullen’s wrist. It was surprisingly soothing. “He said that only one Templar remained inside who hadn’t fallen to the demons.”

Cullen nodded. “Yes. That was… was me. Though… I may not have fallen but I was… broken in many ways. Meredith played on that. Manipulated me. And I let her. I wanted to hear what she was saying. It made me feel… less broken.”

“What changed?”

Cullen smiled faintly. “You. You kept confronting me and demanding I think, rather than just react. And…” He gestured to the mark Hawke was still running his thumb over. “There was that. I never looked, never asked, tried not to think about it. But I… I guess I knew. You always made me feel… better.”

“We’ve wasted a lot of time,” Hawke said ruefully.

Cullen shook his head. “No, we haven’t. I… wasn’t ready back then. I would have hurt you, perhaps even found a way unconsciously to goad you into hurting me. It wouldn’t have gone well.”

“But now?”

Cullen’s smile was broader, more genuine, as he raised their joined hands, turned them and pressed a light kiss to Hawke’s mark. The mage shuddered and closed his eyes. 

“Now, I’m better,” Cullen said. “I think… I think I’m ready to try.” He paused as he remembered what Hawke had said to prompt this conversation. “What did you mean when you asked about the lyrium?”

Hawke’s expression, which had started to look rather fatuously happy, suddenly became sober and chagrined. “Well, first, I don’t want you to get upset about this but… I’ve been feeling like crap for months now – headaches, body aches, weird craving for something I didn’t quite understand, just general crappiness – and it was only when I saw you and Varric told me about the withdrawal that I put two and two together and realised why.”

Cullen’s jaw sagged as he stared at Hawke. “But… we don’t even have an acknowledged bond! Or... we didn’t. You shouldn’t have been able to feel anything from me.” He swallowed. “Hawke…”

Hawke held up one hand. “Uh-uh. Remember what I said about not wanting you to get upset about it. I looked up a few books, asked a couple of questions and… our bond. It has to be strong. Or it will be strong once we fully acknowledge and accept it. This? Feeling your illness even though we’re not properly bonded doesn’t happen unless the bond is going to be a strong one.”

“Oh,” Cullen said. “I… I’m sorry anyway. I know how I’ve felt and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

“I wouldn’t wish it on you either,” Hawke replied. “But I understand now why you’re doing it.” He bit his lip. “The books I read said that when we bond, I’ll be able to… sort of take some of the symptoms on me through the bond. Make things easier for you.”

Cullen was already shaking his head halfway through that. “No. Hawke, no, you can’t.”

“I can and I will,” Hawke said staunchly. He grinned. “And I _am_ going to win this argument, by the way. Ask Varric. He’ll tell you how stubborn I can be. I think I can easily out stubborn even a mulish ex-Templar like you.”

“ _Hawke_ ,” Cullen said with exasperation.

“ _Garrett_ ,” Hawke replied. “It’s my name. You should use it. You’re my soulmate.”

Cullen opened his mouth then closed it again. He pinched the bridge of his nose then laughed softly. “Why do I find even your most irritating traits so ridiculously charming?”

“Because I’m your soulmate,” Hawke replied with a grin. “It’s the whole soulmate/soul bond thing making sure you don’t strangle me.”

Cullen laughed more freely now and he edged his way around his desk without letting go of Hawke’s wrist. Once he was standing in front of the mage, he stepped forward until Hawke was forced to scoot up properly onto the desk and spread his legs to let him in.

“Is that so?” he said, his voice low and, he hoped, sultry.

He knew he’d succeeded when Hawke’s eyes widened and he swallowed hard.

“Fuck me,” Hawke breathed. “I didn’t know you had _this_ in you.”

Cullen smirked though there was a hint of exasperation in his voice when he replied. “I am _not_ the virginal Chantry boy everyone seems to think I am.”

Hawke waved his free hand then let it come to rest on Cullen’s hip. “Well, what can I say? You just have this whole blond, handsome, fresh-faced thing going that lends itself to the virginal Chantry knight idea. But hey, I’m all in favour of you not being like that. I mean, I wouldn’t have cared if you were but a bit of experience is a good th-MMmrph.”

Hawke’s words were cut off by Cullen leaning forward and kissing him. Hawke froze for a second then he returned the kiss with enthusiasm. As he did, the soul bond burst into life between them and they both gasped and moaned into the kiss as it took hold and their souls become one. Hawke pulled Cullen close and plundered his mouth when he felt through the bond that Cullen wanted that and in return, Cullen inched his fingers under the waistband’s of Hawke’s breeches and into his smallclothes until he found skin, grinning when that made Hawke break away from the kiss to gasp and curse.

“As fun as it would be to find out how sturdy your desk is, I’m all for taking this to a bed,” Hawke said, sounding breathless and wildly turned on.

Cullen stilled and let his forehead fall into Hawke’s chest. “My bed is upstairs,” he said, his voice muffled. “But I… have work. So much work. Josephine and the Inquisitor will kill me if I’m late with it.”

Hawke chuckled. “Anything I can help with?”

Cullen raised his head and considered Hawke speculatively. Hawke raised an eyebrow at him in return then leaned forward so their lips were barely touching.

“Faster we get your work done, the faster we can go up and test out your bed,” he murmured.

Cullen groaned and pressed their lips together. The bond flared again as they kissed and Cullen nearly forgot about his work entirely. Then Hawke pulled back and placed both hands on his chest.

“Work first,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “Then fun. Or else you’re going to feel guilty. And I’m getting the feeling that a guilty Cullen is no fun at all.”

Cullen swallowed then with a wrench, he pulled away from Hawke. He thought he’d feel cold or maybe a bit bereft, not having Hawke’s body pressed against his own, but nothing like that happened. Instead, the soul bond pulsed warm and gentle between them and he could feel Hawke’s desire and lust for him, just was he was sure Hawke was feeling the same from him.

“Work first,” Cullen said with a nod, slowly returning to the other side of the desk. 

“Then I see how many ways I can make you moan,” Hawke said with a grin at the way that made Cullen physically stutter.

Cullen gave him a half-hearted glare then he shook his head and laughed. “You’re going to be the death of me, aren’t you?”

“I certainly hope not,” Hawke replied then he held out his hand. “Now give me something to do or I’m going to forget about my promise to myself to be good.”

As Cullen handed over some reports for Hawke to read and summarise, he reflected that the path he’d taken to find his soul mate had been long and painful but now that he was at the end of it, all that suffering seemed oddly worth it. He wasn’t sure what that meant or what it said about him or their bond but he’d meant what he’d said. If they’d acknowledged the bond in Kirkwall, he was sure he’d have destroyed them both. Now, he thought they had a chance to make this work. There was a lot to work through in both their pasts but as Hawke’s presence thrummed gently in the back of his mind, he knew it would be worth it.


End file.
